My First Steps

I have been looking forward so much to the New Testament Challenge. I have been feeling a desperate need to turn away from distraction and immerse myself in Jesus so I learn how to love him more and desire to align my will to his, allowing God to take over my life. But the beginning for me was a rocky start. Many times during the first four days of readings I felt myself pulling away from the gospel, questioning its tone, Matthew's portrayal of Jesus... But thankfully when I feel myself pull away, even if it is with my whole body and mind, a thin string remains.

I kept at it and on the fifth day I had an interesting experience. I was having difficulty concentrating on the reading. The words were not sinking in. (I read my Bible often, but little tidbits, often chosen at random or referenced in a book that I'm reading. During the NTC I want things to really sink in, and to recognize and explore every emotion that comes up for me - from doubt to elation.) So I forged ahead through the fog. And all of a sudden the landscape changed and I felt like I was there with Jesus and Peter hovering above the water they were walking on (Matthew 14:22.) Jesus became three dimensional and I began to understand the emotions, the nuances, the message as they applied to my life. I am praying for insight into parenting and this stood out as a parallel. What really grabbed me was Matthew 14:31 "Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him."

The closest thing I can compare it to is a stereogram where you stare at the image until you become immersed in it.

This is the first time something exactly like this has happened to me and I hesitate to put it into words. Ironically, the following Sunday's sermon alluded to this in a way (the idea that when we immerse ourselves in the Word daily and fully, it begins to illuminate to us our own lives and selves.) I have not yet listened to the sermon. This is what Chris told me (Sofia napped through church.)

Here is a link to the sermons - click on the one from February 5, I heard it was very good.

Ideally I should go back to the beginning of Matthew, when I was staring at the stereogram with no success. I think it would look different to me now.

I have spent the last three years growing intellectually as a Christian. After an intelligent friend attacked my viewpoints, it sent me on a hunt for "proof" or validation of my faith. A few things that helped me on my path were Mere Christianity and Screwtape Letters along with other books by CS Lewis. To help me through some issues I had (have) with the Old Testament I read "The Bible Jesus Read" by Philip Yancey. I also seeked out intelligent arguments against Christianity which was difficult. There are some seemingly good ones. But the more I dug, and oh how I dug, exhaustively, daily, nightly, til 3 am some nights, the more my faith grew, on an intellectual level.

Here are my prayers - I am much more interested in my personal walk with Jesus now. I want my personal relationship with him to grow. I also really desire to be a model, an example of Jesus Christ in my parenting - I want to totally commit myself to this mission. Please pray for me.